So here I am, changing the theme of my blog again (big surprise guys, I know.)
The truth is that I wasn’t extremely interested in my last theme because essentially, I was preaching ways to be somebody that you’re not to find love, which doesn’t make any sense at all. You’ll never find somebody who truly loves you unless you are completely yourself. I’m not saying that you should not make great efforts to better yourself, but I don’t think that’s exactly what my last theme was reflecting.
Anyways, now I’m on the search to better myself, and am kind of just using this blog to sort out my thinking.
I’ve decided to postpone my applications to graduate school. I know there’s that pattern of people “postponing” graduate school and actually never going back, but hear me out. I don’t consider myself one of the statistics.
What I’m about to say might contradict that last statement. I’ve finally switched my mode of thinking from adolescent to “emerging adult.” Psychologists describe adolescents as having this type of fantasy that nothing can happen to them, the “I don’t apply to the statistics” kind of attitude. The idea that you can do whatever yet still achieve your ideal self. That was me; maybe it still is me, a little. I felt like I should be able to control everything about myself; that is — without even trying!
Recently, I’ve had an epiphany. You can’t be your ideal self if you don’t know your current self to begin with. It’s like asking directions in a GPS when you don’t even know your current location. How do you know which direction to turn? With this in mind, I calmed down my hopes to become my “ideal self” to find out who my “current self” is in the first place. What do I actually have the ability to do? What parts of me can I actually NOT control? I learned a few things about myself.
If given the chance, my current self will:
- Never exercise;
- Sleep all day long;
- Eat junk food;
- Never only have one drink;
- Stay on facebook for hours;
Ok, so what does this sound like? It sounds like a typical lazy couch potato with no ambition to me. Somehow I thought that one day, when I turned into a “grown up”, motivation and ambition might magically appear in my brain; I thought I’d never have to control my temptations and desires but maybe one day they would just go away.
The longer time passed, the more it bothered me that these magic things haven’t appeared yet. I’m wasting time here! I told my ideal self. Get over here already!
It reminds me of the joke where the guy keeps asking God if he could win the lottery. God says yes, of course. A week later the man asks God why he hasn’t won the lottery yet. God tells him “you will win the lottery, once you play!”
So it turns out I have to actually start doing things I think my ideal, future self will be used to doing. Exercising, reading political and cultural blogs instead of spending time on facebook, writing, waking up early (as in 2 p.m. instead of 5 p.m., give me a break, I work nights!), etc.
So back to my statement of postponing graduate school. Deep inside, I feel that I will definitely go back, even if I postpone another year. Is that my adolescent mind talking? I don’t think so. The reason I came to this conclusion is when I was in the middle of reading my “how to get into graduate school” books and it said you should name the authors who most inspired your intellectual reasoning.
“Okay,” I thought… “What authors have made me feel the most passionate?”
Well, for one, J.K. Rowling made me feel really passionate about Gryffindor and bringing He Who Shall Not Be Named down so that Harry and and the ginger girl could live in peace and bring more wizard children to the world.
THAT will sound great on my application! No, I realized, the only authors in this field I might read are those I forced myself to read to sound like I was knowledgable on the topic. I never actually sought out books or articles to read on that topic.
I’m back to square one.
Graduate school requires passion. I want to love my future field so much that I can be the best at it. Part of getting to know my current self was learning that if I don’t love what I’m doing, no matter how important, I WILL half-ass it.
I don’t want to half ass my career. I want to be the best. However, you can’t rush perfection. And I understand that I can’t sit around and hope that my dream career will suddenly pop into my head.
So I’ve switched to the active approach. Reading, reading, reading. That’s the only solution I could find. I’m reading blogs and articles and books from all subjects, political, cultural, humanitary, etc. I’m guessing that somewhere along the line, there’s going to be a topic I want to keep reading about, maybe even start writing about!
Well see how this goes. At least I’m only 22!